i think i totaled my car

the only person who might still read this who i actually still talk to is michelle. ant thats only really when im coming home and have tome to see her. im so glad we are hangin out again! neither of s are really depressed anymore and we both have wonderful significant others. its amazing what having someone to listen to you complain can do for people. hey im gonna do that! im very excited about counseling. starting to look at grad schools. not so excited about the gre. so my mom found out a few weeks ago that i am dating gwen. she told me that i looked healthier after my surgery and that you can tell by someone's aperance if they are happy or not. well i definately wasnt appy after surgery. i was dealing with the fact that the man i once though may be the one was pregnant with another woman and fucking at least 2 more, all while he was trying to tell me he had plans for our future. im trying to forgive, but i am so bitter about that. anyway i was not eating beacuase i felt fat (as allways) and, well, eating disorders are the best way that i know how to cope. so how do i interpret that other than that my mom thought i was happier because i looked skinnier. i definately am happier now. i was my hapiest since i can remember a few months ago. i am great now except that i am not in calss, and well, i am just geeky enough to be happiest when studying psychology. i am so lucky to have forund something i love. i am worried about what will happen in a year. after graduation gewn already has her life planned out for about the next five years. i could follow her, but what happens if we break up and i resent her and myself for letting my choice of gradschool be influenced by her. i lover her so much, but damn that is a bigg commitment! long distance just sucks. if we do break up, that will be better for my fam and maybe i will find a male feminist to date. i will need to lose some weight first. idk. hard decisions.  

i would love to spend the rest of my life with her. we'll see what the next few years bring. so far so good. almost 9 months.damn-that long?...really? really. sometimes i wonder if it matters that i havent but 31/2 other girls befor her. i also wonder if it matters cuz gus are relationships too and ive had like 20 something of those, only a few were serious. i guess thats another thing, i havent been this serious with another girl-not even with another guy. sure, in the past we talked about what it would be like to be married or have children or live together. it was just never this comfortable of real. it feels like i could marry her in a few days and not have second thoughts. too bad lesbia\ns cant really legally get married. we keep talking about engagement which is sort of wierd because i'm not exatly sure what is supposed to follow that in gayness. right now she is on a plane to germany to see her best friend regina who has bigger boobs than me, but we decided that hers are too big and therefore mine are better. it will keep me from being too jealous for now anyway. that brings me to the strange fact that i am never jealous like i was in past reklationships either. i just trust her that much, but no to the point of stupidity. shes trustworthy i believe. do you know hao good that feels? to know they are not cheating and really care? it is so good not to wonder. keeps me from being clingy too (although i think she would not mind that). i am going to miss her soo much.

p.s....9!!!

summer ends monday. im excited about having classes, but not the crazy schedule that they give me. kurt is in one of my classes, but hes the only one that i know in really any of them except for adrienne who is in choir and droped out of french. who knows if shell make it through the semester financially. i really hope so. i know that there is tension between her and gwen, but i am taking it upon myself to set aside 1 night a week for each of my friends, not because i like that structured a life, but because that seems to be the best way to keep everyone frem being mad at me cuz i never see them. ending up in classed with all upperclassmen i guess is what happens when you have your senior friend sign up and hold them for you. thanks jeff. gwen just got back from reynolds. in her arms is my favorite place to be. its good to be back.

 hi. the beach was so wonderful. my girlfriend agrees. i love how peaceful she seems at the beach. like nothing could bother her. i miss her. her hands her kisses her eyes her smile. tickle monster. the crumbling rock. all of her. i miss her. i love her. i hope the golf couse at reynolds is like the beach. like water and horses are to me. i posted books to sell on amazon.com this morning and three of them have sold already. i need to get some boxes. party tonight with psych ppl i admire. hope i dont get too drunk. i could look pretty stupid. i'm excited.

today is my girlfriend and my 2 month. we had a date last night to celebrate. we made tacos for dinner and ate other things as well. kinda funny that she wanted tacos now that i think about it. she always pics out the  best song for the situation. she is sooo beautiful. and 3 days ago she said "I LOVE YOU". to me. i ran and told her in the shower that i felt the same. in french and then in german...and then in english. i can also now say "ich vermisse dich".  she said she may take me to germany soneday. i'm secretly gealous of her best friend. it sometimes seems that she is obsessed with her or inlove with her. i want to b that important. i am so selfish. im sure what they have is great. i know what i have is great. she should b jealous that i get to sleep with my girlfriend every night. even more that i get to wake up in her arms every morning. ahh. 
i have too much time right now to think about how fat i am. i should really think about how fat i am not, but then i might overeat. such a love-hate relationship. grr. i love my brother. i dont even really know him. i wish i did sometimes. most of the time. he is soo awesome. i wonder if hes having sex yet. i should tel him to stick to oral even though its illegal. less pregancies with that. les pregnancies with lesbians. yay for gayness!

i miss my girlfriend. congrats to her for being nationally ranked!! shes currently playing at nationals in california. yay. who knew id enjoy chemistry? and my job. my friends are great. so is my boss. we went on 3 fieldtrips yesterday and i did some homework. i got paid for it all. life is great.

today i miss biology.

there were a lot of jelly fish on the beach. it was awesome tho. nicole and antwon and i, and the ocean, and the sand, and sun, and shark teeth. the bike ride on the beach. yumy.thirty seconds to mars concert was amazing! it was good to see ronnie. i think im gonna go to that thing with him and dance around with the other naked people. well see. so im tlakng to justin more again. hopefully hell find something that makes him happy after he graduates. kit should just b a lesbian im my opinion. we should all be. wed be happier that way. but who a i to judge? dont know why i cant talk to james withlout mentioning how much i love and miss kylan. sorry about that. i know it suchs. u know what else suckd? that i will never allow myself to have whati want because i wont trust him again. that was our last chance. we both fucked it up. o well hell always have a special place in my heart. just between the ones for tyler and ross.  tyler and i are supposed to hang out soon. i love that i dont feel guilty about being friends with my xs andmore. it is so liberating to just be honest all the time. maybe i should have triedd that earlier. i should be nicer to myseld. so i have lost 10 lbs since my surgery. without even trying. its exciting. i miss grant. i think i love him. no, not like that. there is no way wed fall inlove. eww. but i love him so mich. like a sister. i feel so safe and understood and protected in his arms. my friends are awesome. so i kinda want to go bak to woodrruff cuz kit will b ther an kylan and adrienne might come with me. this summer is going to b awesome either way. i cant wait! 

i have decided to stay @ berry over the summer. yay for staying happy! im so excited! i have this awesome job where i basically get paid to do my home work and the best roomies ever and exciting classes with dr. Haney and Bissonette! he has got to b one of the biggest psych geeks in the world. hes one of my favorite people. to all of u at home- ill b bak to visit weekly. keep in touch.